Sunday, January 24, 2016
Just had an online converse with a nice chap who follows this blog and after wondered, 'why the fook would anyone follow this blog???'
Funny how life unfolds as it does...
Past experience has shaped the very contours of your brain and "you" go on as if none of that has ever happened, making decisions based on the excitatory and inhibitory electro-chemical impulses darting to and fro in your cranium but, as far as "you" are concerned, that's irrelevant to the decisions "you" make that arise from the fat between your ears.
I'm the boss of "me," gawd dammit!
Your entire life was sculpted to bring you right here, right now. Every experience drove you to the next experience, which influenced the next, on and on, wiring up your head fat to bring you here, today, to this moment right...now. In fact, without the 'happening' of a quadzillion historical precedents, "you" wouldn't even exist. But you do exist in your consciousness as a result of everything occurring exactly as it did over the last 4.543 billion years (none of which, I might add, did "you" have anything to do with in relation to how all that shite happened as it did and could not have happened in any other way than as it did)
You can't be anywhere else then where you are right now, because if you could be somewhere else right now, you would be there and nowhere else, especially not here.
I know, I know...(sigh)... it's a fooking suxs that you're here, right now, reading this stoopid drivel, while you could be doing something important. But here you are, nonetheless.
But whadefook are you doing here? How the frick did you get here?
I'm from Phila and the surrounding subs. Did 6 yrs in the USMC and enjoyed running around in the woods playing combat and so, 25 yrs ago bought a house in the mountains with plenty of woods to run around in, but got bit by a dirty tic and now have protracted Lyme Disease, that I can handle most days, but right now I'm suffering through a full blown flare up. Right now, as I write these words, I am in total pain (not to mention had to shovel out from the snowpocalypse just dumped on me, which fooked up my back, reminding me that I'm a friggin old man...Lol).
But here I am, right now, right here...
I certainly could be somewhere else and, sometimes, God knows, I would like to be somewhere else then here, but ideas like that now quickly fade in the acceptance that I'm here...now. Not there, but here, encountering the experience here provides. I may NOT like the experience, but why deny it. It is and I'm experiencing it as it is, until it is something else entirely, which it, inevitably, will be and I have nothing whatsoever to do with what it will be when it will be something other than what it is, while for now, it is what it is, and "I" am here now, deeply in it, not wishing to extract out of it, cause that ain't up to me and I understand that fact fully without an inkling of a doubt (HINT: definition of "enlightenment")
I know some of my more astute and assertive readers will respond, "oh, how sweet, Mikey's giving us the 'be here now' script that we've all heard a million times before." Ha!
This "enlightenment" shite really sucks sometimes, but when you're here, there's nowhere else to be but here...
"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you."
Artwork by Naoto Hattori
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
I would suggest that anyone seeking to fry his/her motherboard just do nothing for long periods of time, because just sitting back and letting the brain do its shite, without firing up socially programmed neural response circuits, tends to accelerate the burning up of programmed neural response circuits.
In other words, to be more succinct, the more "spiritual" you attempt to be (by adopting "spiritual" ideologies and practices) the more you seem to think you can avoid the boiling putrid Crisco of life that your brain must fry in, the more likely you miss out on the experience of being fried. Just sit around day after day and let all the shite of your don't-worry-be-happy existence just drop in the pan to be fried in the hot oil of nothingness, so that the edges are crispy golden brown and absolutely tasteless.
Besides, since your day to day existence is predicated primarily on subconscious thought processes arising from hardwired genetically programmed instinctual drives, (survival and mating instincts) or that which requires no conscious attention whatsoever, post-modern human egocentrica mammalia seems to have placed entirely too much value on his conscious thought processes, which only result in cascading fountains of anxiety, depression, anger and guilt, because his subconscious processes, those hard-wired circuits endowed him by the determined causal order, has it's proverbial 'hand up his butt, moving his head to and fro, while he vomits senseless words that have no meaning and nobody gives a good rat's arse about, but that he thinks makes a difference in the grand scheme of the unfolding universe that allowed him existence.
I mean, lets face it, Einsteins wonderous theory of relativity has not made one bit of difference in the fact that "all men ever think about is sex" and "why do all women pick jerks" (instinctual drives motivating human egocentrica mammalia since the days he survived on a Paleo diet, which he now desires to return to for some God only knows reason)
But for me to 'suggest' that "you" engage a particular behavior, would require the seemingly tangled mass of brain circuitry in your cranial head cheese be formatted exactly in such a way that my suggestion would provoke a comprehensive engagement of the necessary neurons firing in the precise sequence to light up the brain in a perfectly coordinated transmission of synaptic messages down trillions of miles of dendritic fibers to eventually branch out to the body, ergo, demanding the behavior be performed as 'suggested' and, even then, with slight and gross nuances as to how that behavior was performed, based on other circuits that existed long before the influence of my 'suggestion,' but altering exactly how my 'suggestion' was processed by the brain....
...and all in virtual nanoseconds, without any conscious intent, whatsoever
But I wouldn't recommend adopting any particular ideological practice or meditation (religio-spiritual) since that tends to result in additional circuitry which will eventually need to tossed in the deep frier, and your post-modern brain is already suffocatingly inundated with miles of circuitry that serves little purpose then to insure the cat litter is emptied on a weekly basis and instinctually motivated sexual urges are engaged in a timely manner.
Dump your asanas, your jhana's and your chakra's, etc, etc, etc (cognitive neuro-circuits allowing for additional circuit-forming alliances in the brain to ideological bovine excrement, that only results in the arousal of D2 dopamine receptors in the reward centers between your ears).
Ignore your socially programmed "enlightenment" concepts (which tend to engage amygdala and hippocampus neurochemical transmissions that we call "emotions" based on your imaginary "desires" for some physio-mental state devoid and extracted from nature) and your umpteen million formulations of "awakening" that your dopamine (motivational/seeker chemical) allows you to invest in while paying for the guru's health insurance and 2015 Beemer.
Just jettison all that historical human egocentric mammalian psycho-spirituo-religio-ideo drama and let the brain perform it's natural process of neuro-circuit pruning (weeding the garden). Sit your boring, mundane arse down in a chair, follow the breathe, and let your slow cooker do the work.
I can guarantee that when you come out of it you will be like barbecued pulled-pork. Succulent, juicy and mouth-watering, in that nothing makes any sense and it all falls apart in the bun, while the grease that squirts on your tie doesn't come out in the wash.
Your addictive dependence on neurally programmed mental scripts (beliefs) are no different than the junkies dependency on heroin and, when the drug is absent, withdrawal will be painful (obviously depending on the frequency, intensity and duration of the addiction), because dopamine (the seeker/motivational brain chemical) will demand you pursue your spiritualized drug of choice, until brain 'tolerance' demands you seek another more novel drug, and then another and another and another until...flat earther's (This is an example of what happens when the neuro-circuitry of the brain becomes a tangled thicket of confused excitatory and inhibitory impulses all competing for superiority within an addictive stupor)
You have been in the neuroplastic 'pruning' process since the moment you were born, only neuro-circuit formation was predominant in the development of the younger forming brain, while other needless womb-based circuits were eliminated as useless. But genetics must always precede social programming in that there must be a regression or circuit pruning as age increases (definition of senility). This age-dependent pruning is not contingent on any 'free-will,' just as pruning of circuits outside of Alzheimer's is not contingent on free-will but demonstrates consequences absent senility, but similar.
Human egocentrica mammalia considers 'Alzheimers' a diseased brain state, while "enlightenment," through a long process of circuit shutdown is considered a progression of understanding through pruning of useless circuitry. Yet neither engage any semblance of free-will, since any and all attempts to make it happen are predetermined by a causal order that, from the start, has clearly predetermined every event that has ever been manifested for your full enjoyment or abject suffering.
Hence, my 'suggestion' to simply keep doing what your doing (sex, drugs and rock and roll) and let the brain do it's thing is absurd to programmed brain circuitry that requires constant action and behavior in order to activate dopamine receptors, through which all life is experienced and eventually destroyed, as is clearly demonstrated by human egocentrica mammalia, whose dopamine based arousal addiction motivates him to decimate his ecosystem in complete utter ignorance that his need for arousal will eventually cause his extinction (such is the nature of the dopamine dependent human egocentrically fooked-up brain which nature allowed to unfold in its current structure and so, human egocentric mammalia is slave to that structure because he will never, despite his chronic endeavor to the contrary, extract himself from the natural order that allows his dumb arse to exist in the first place and run around performing the stoopid shite that gives him pleasure by consistently raising his dopamine).
Which makes this entire post a goddamn waste of my fookin' time and, hence, every preceding post equally wasteful, based on socially conditioned beliefs as to what is and is not a waste of fookin' time and anytime spent by your reading it is equally as useless.
But I got a good goddamn dopamine rush outa writing it!
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
"Your mind, your soul, your hopes, your dreams, your emotions is about a cantaloupe size of meat crackling with electricity inside your skull. There's nothing sancrosanct about altered states of consciousness.
You've always been told that altered states of consciousness are higher states of consciousness. The hallmark is that altered states of consciousness is the subtraction of all the mental faculties that make us so special in the animal kingdom. Hypofrontality means that the very pinnacle of human evolution, the prefrontal cortex, must be down regulated, which means that you lose these higher cognitive functions that make us so special.
All altered states of consciousness are lower states of consciousness. You connect to nothing but your own reduced mind. Some people find the idea repugnant, beneath the significance of the mystical experience and that's alright if you want to hold onto some sort of stone age, medieval sense of spirituality, but I think you will only find this counterintuitive if you hold onto the idea that in those special moments, when you catch a glimpse of some parallel, mental universe, in those very moments, the mind, somehow, can transcend the machinery of the brain, become a ghost in the machine, ride above the fray, and enter some sort of platonian world of eternal truth and beauty in flying off with the pixies." (quote from video below)The prefrontal cortex is where "you" exist. Right behind the eyes is the "I-me." The ego-self is a product of a huge frontal lobe, the size of which is not found in any other species. It's where self-actualizing egocentric decisions arise and these ego-self conceptualizations influence the neuro-chemistry of the brain, thereby, influencing the body.
What else could "enlightenment" be, but a complete reduction of prefrontal activity (ego-self) and what other than prefrontal lobe "thought" thrusts you into your own personal heaven or hell based on conceptual interpretations made in that brain region? Suffering is a prefrontal phenomenon occurring right behind your eyes and found nowhere else between your ears.
Hence, as can be clearly interpreted from current neuroscience research, any higher state of consciousness, i.e., "awakening," "enlightenment," etc, is nothing more than a progressive shutdown of the prefrontal cortex and for most, this shutdown is brief, (a kind of spasmodic blip of depersonalization, which occurs naturally for many peeps not seeking "enlightenment") after which the prefrontal then floods with conceptual interpretations as to what just happened, ("I have attained spiritual awakening!" or "Oh my fucking god, I'm going crazy!") which then results in firing up the reward centers of the brain (source of all addictions) or the fear-survival centers, to the point that the conceptual description of the experience becomes an addictive response which, through reward-based synaptic impulses, is pontifically verbalized ad infinitum, ad nauseam (eg, Eckhardt Tolle, Deepak Chopra, etc.), but from fear-based impulses can lead to mental illness and concomitant physiological symptoms.
Yet, alas, without repetitive experiences to reinforce the conceptualized interpretation, the electro-chemical current begins to dissipate and eventually the memory circuits dissolve and you are left with a spiritualized conceptual definition that means nothing, because the experience has dissolved into nothingness.
Pain is immediate, but suffering is simply your chronic, prefrontally generated, complaints of pain, repeated incessantly in the prefrontal cortex (the thinking cap of human egocentrica mammalia). To be more specific, right behind the eyes is where almost all insanity prevails (neuroscience shows how the prefrontal cortex actually shrinks in chemical and behavioral addictions, resulting in poor decision-making and frequent relapses and this is called "hypofrontality").
As Cognitive Therapy proclaims, "it's not reality that disturbs you, but your interpretation of reality," and all interpretation is a product of prefrontal hard-wiring. Interpretation of reality is a conditioned response and after many decades that hard-wiring becomes immune to neuro-plasticity (change) because, for wiring to remain 'hard,' it requires vigilantly filtering out opposing data that might disprove the interpretation to essentially demonstrate how stupid you are (and in post-modern social order, acknowledging your stupidity is tantamount to death).
Since all "enlightenment" is a prefrontal product, while the rest of your brain, bio-genetically functioning to keep your dumb arse alive, has no interest in your prefrontal hocus pocus bullsheit and keeps doing it's thing no matter how expertly you have memorized and repeatedly provide lip-service to the Deepak Chopra quotes that gets you all jiggy in your neuro-circuited reward centers.
So here's the rub, peeps. The difference between my "enlightenment" and the "enlightenment" you seek is that I have arrived at a state where what arises from the prefrontal cortex has absolutely no significance whatsoever...to the prefrontal cortex. In other words, the prefrontal cortex is now hard-wired to cease to care what the prefrontal cortex...'thinks.' In other words, even though the prefrontal lobe (location of the 'mind') cannot stop 'thinking,' it simply has lost the capacity to care (give a rat's arse) what it thinks.
The operative term/signifier is "care," which is indicative of experiencing "emotion" and, contrary to general opinion, emotion is also a neuro-chemically induced brain state influencing bodily/physiological symptoms through the central nervous system (and peripheral nerves), but it is prefrontally 'conceptualized' (while actual emotion is more grounded in the hippocampus and amygdala, yet, engaging reward centers throughout the brain) and this is maintained through fixating on the "enlightenment" concept which is NOT "enlightenment." This is similar to those who experience "panic attacks," in which hypothetical fears, produced in the prefrontal, generate physiological symptoms throughout the entire body, even though the fear is hypothetical or NOT real.
Hypothetical "enlightenment" makes you feel good for a time. But without an accompanying actual experience (depersonalization), those circuits soon wither on the vine and eventually the brain will "prune" them out and your enlightened emancipation proclamation will become more psycho-spiritual drivel to be completely forgotten (i.e, Eckhardt Tolle, Deepak Chopra, etc).
Just as the prefrontal lobe can generate hypothetical terror, and the accompanying psychosomatic symptoms based on unreal fears not oriented to reality, it can also generate intense feelings (symptoms) of joy and pleasure, and the accompanied physical psychosomatic symptoms based on hypothetical thoughts of enlightenment not oriented to reality.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Human egocentrica mammalian's live 90% of their lives entirely from the subconscious, simply because 90% of their life requires no conscious thought whatsoever (ritualistic robotic repetition) and is lived primarily through biological imperatives and programmed mandates conforming to social conventions, keeping him on a chronically reflexive autopilot without any conscious awareness or individual decisiveness indicative of a free-will directed autonomous 'being.'
When you drive your car to a known destination no actual conscious thought is engaged to arrive at that predetermined destination. You did engage millions of unrelated thought-circuits in your conscious frontal cortex, but not one of them involved the act of driving (mostly thinking about dumb sheit, at least from my experience). You've done it a thousand of times, what need to consciously think about it?
90% of your life is, and will forever be, lived on complete autopilot. "You" are a homogenized amalgamation of biological drives competing with societal mandates for which to subdue and manage those drives, resulting in your despondently depressed disengaged state of hopelessness and, as the brain interfaces with techno-civilization, (determined to be completely devoid of any influence from nature) a state of abject chaotic scizophrenia, mixed with a dash of delusional hope, and mountains of denial, that human frontal lobe conscious thought will eventually save the day...ha!
Your central nervous system is a programmed hard-drive and 90% of your life is lived on complete auto-pilot. Yet, you loudly rejoice and revel in the 10% of your experience you can even consciously access, which is really nothing more than externally influenced sputtering of already engaged ideas, and proudly proclaim the fooking bovine excrement that comes out your pie hole as your "beliefs," to be manna from heaven (I mean, come on...who really gives a shiny rat's arse what "I" believe???)
You've not one unique thought in that gelatinous tangled web securely located behind your eyeballs and within the dark recesses of your cranial cavity. Genetically, your brain is only 1% removed from apes and, hence, you are essentially a moron (but then, me too!)
Many seek to consciously override subconscious hard-wiring, which is remotely possible due to brain neuroplasticity, but your impatience knows no bounds, as you respond to external stimuli with knee-jerk, automatic precision, each response reinforcing that it will be replicated in exactitude when the moment calls for it. Is it any wonder your life is a fookfest and, except for brief moments of respite, has never been but a fest of fook?
Your modern CNS has been unconsciously victimized by routine mechanized behaviors (programmed by previously experienced repetitive stimuli) that you have no control over, simply because of neurally sculpted social conditioning, that began the moment you left the womb, and allowed you to become the docile, mundane indentured servant that your social order required.
Is it any wonder why human egocentrica mammalian's so deeply adore directly seeking the experiences of conscious thought, ideologically accessed through the frontal lobes, with all it's beliefs, opinions, morals, values, etc, all of which makes up a mere 10% of brain activity, but that allows you to assert into the world a "self" that you demand be much more than a mechanized mass of neural circuitry, but can never be anything but that...ever.
"Relax," said the night man, we are programmed to receive, you can check out anytime you like......but you can never leave" - Eagles
The "subconscious" is nothing more than neuro-circuitry that is lost, and inaccessible, to conscious awareness (the neural realm where "you" seem to reside) and that "you" have nothing to do with, in terms of automatic synaptic messages sent through electro-chemical impulses that "you" do not control, and that "you" live out your life completely unaware of, but are at the mercy of every single moment of your life, yet continually struggle, day after day, to find and assert an 'I-me' into that tangled mass of electro-chemical impulses subconsciously firing off in 3 lbs of fat cheese within a cranial shell that you reverently refer to as "I-me."
We can't say that you're in denial of this, because you actually have no 'knowledge' of it's occurring, as it does, day after day, year after year. There are certain particular processes that you can become cognizant of and change (like addictions), but only because those are blatantly demonstrative and apparent in your constant fooked up behaviors, while all others are subtle, unconscious ripples in the grey matter between your ears, and yet, they have have grave repercussions on ALL your future behaviors.
"In the brain, neurons that fire together, wire together" (quote from a really astute neuroscientist) You simply have NO idea why you continue to do the shite you do, in response to the shite others do, and, most likely, you will never know, because of mental associations unconsciously constructed in your childhood, even before you encountered your 'self' for the very first time, the brain was busy wiring up experiences, unbeknownst to "you."
This poses the question: If 90% of all human egocentrica mammalia's life is performed from subconscious impulses, and those impulses have resulted in the current deplorable state of affairs he now finds himself, is there really any hope that collective human egocentrica mammalia will ever find a way out of the apocalypse he is rapidly heading toward because of his subconscious directives, since his best conscious 'thinking' got him there in the first place?
The revered "enlightenment" and "awakening" practices, that you have been taught by your "master guru" will result in your own enlightened state, are predicated on a conscious mind that only directs 10% of your daily existence and completely fails to account for, or is even aware of, subconscious processes that require 90% of your cranial fatty tissue, the very processes that keeps your physical body alive.
"forgive them lord, for they know not what they do." - The Christ Dude
Obviously, the most profound, and scientifically verifiable, statement ever proclaimed.....
Artwork by Aegis Strife
Monday, September 14, 2015
Cries for freedom are absurd, because they ignore the bondage to nature, which ignores social conventions, is not even aware of social conventions and so, couldn't give a rat's arse about what roles you conform to when the roles of the natural world can NOT be denied and all your attempts at denying this merely dump you into a suicidal black hole of despondency.
Yet, if you are dwelling in that black hole of despondency, if your personal "world" is crumbling under your feet, make no mistake, the need for this is paramount and there's nothing "you" can do because you are simply not in charge and every instance of chaos is an attempt to prove this...
...until you get it.
And that is the definition of "enlightenment."
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
UNDERSTANDING: Your Delusion of Control is Completely Beyond Your Control Because "Your" Life does not Belong to "You"
In a universe predetermined by an unfolding causal order, your life has become exactly what it is and will continue to be exactly what it has been destined to be based on the predetermined route it must continue to follow, in direct proportion to all the influences that impacted upon "you" (and continue to impact upon your brain circuits), and the hard-wired responses that inform you of what to think, feel and do, again, based on the influences that impacted upon you in the past.
This is called imprinting and, like Conrad's chicks, your impressionable neurally programmed brain is no different. You will respond ONLY as you are programmed to respond. What other way could you respond than from the mental scripts provided?
Yet, you can easily identify your programmed responses if you would only analyze the patterns and, make no mistake, your life has been neurally scripted to acutely follow ingrained patterns and what those patterns display has been demonstrably repetitive.
Yet, the chief conundrum of your life, and attempts at implementing change, is that even after identifying the dumb sheit you repetitively do, you are so deeply hardwired that you cannot fathom a way out of your patterned stoopidity (particularly in relation to subconscious neural circuitry, outside only the most diligent attempts at re-routing).
With each passing year any understanding of why you continually do what you do, drifts further from your capacity to neuroplastically alter the pattern, based on the extensive socially conditioned hard-wired brain circuits that have determined all your responses, because the shaping and molding of your neural pathways began before 'you' even knew you had a 'self' and continue to influence every thought of that 'self,' thereby, determining and directing all subsequent behavior and action...up until the day the brain shuts down.
As long as you consider your "self" the point of origin to the choices you make, you will never "awaken," since the motherboard is pitifully overloaded with useless neural circuitry requiring copious amounts of electro-chemical juice (origin of all post-modern stress/anxiety disorders, based on the stress chemical cortisol).
That understanding has eluded human egocentrica mammalia for millions of years and, as he becomes ever more concretely entranced and transfixed in his techno-fooked existence, that understanding will drift ever further, since he becomes ever more robotically obsessed with the current post-modern, mind-numbing technological psychosis, a delusional matrix psychosocially normalized as real, that now drives his dopamine receptors to seek out pseudo-realities, illuminated by pixels through bytes of fabricated information provided through plasma screens, to achieve varying levels of pleasure, motivation and well-being (dopamine is the chief neurochemical protagonist and has directed you entire life and it, not "you," determines the direction of your life. Learn about dopamine, because everything you have ever learned and every value you hold dear is the result of this brain chemical alone).
The understanding is simple and, contrary to the socialized message that has been mercilessly ground into your neuro-circuited head fat, it is available only by "pruning" away the chaotically ensconced neural morass that is useless to your fully understanding what is actually taking place in between your ears, but robotically directs your every action in a neurally processed dream state. But the brain does that, not "you."
"You" are only along for the ride, which includes the delusion that you are the driver and determine the destination...
Yet, for the few that experience a fried motherboard (not by choice) they grok the simplicity of each and every moment in the realization that...
...your life does not belong to "you."
The brain circuits have determined who "you" are and neuro-chemistry has determined exactly how you feel, what you do and, from the moment of birth, it has been vigilantly developing neural pathways that makes 'who' you were, into what you are now, and will continue along that trajectory until the moment it shuts down, allowing you to be what you were always destined to become...
What every famous spiritual guru failed to accurately elucidate is that, to be "in the moment," is to surrender to the brain. Only the mythological "Buddha" understood that "events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer of any deed," and your mind/brain can only rebel furiously over the possibility that this could in any way be true.
If there is no "doer," than what exactly should you be doing to be free?
The brain that determines your thoughts, feelings and behavior is a product of a universal causal unfolding that has determined every moment of your life and has left "you" completely out of that loop, other than allowing the delusion that you were in control, a delusion that is the source of all depression, anxiety, anger and guilt, essentially, all "mental illness" known today.
All mental illness is a rebellion over the complete lack of control and, in post-modern society, is increasing exponentially, as chaos reigns supreme.
Yet, your life seems to belong to "you," even though "you" (and science) have failed to actually identify where in the grey matter "you" actually exist, if "you" exist at all, nevertheless, you proudly (an emotion not available anywhere else in nature) proclaim the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and actions that your brain circuitry demands be engaged, become a factually grounded product of an amalgamated, homogenized, concrete, and clearly irreducible, "you," but you can accurately prove none of it, thereby, indicating it is only a feeling based on faulty data processing that could easily be corrected if enough circuits were constructed to engage this understanding as a means of short-circuiting decades of ignorance (but, of course, that is entirely outside your egocentric realm of control, simply because you have no control).
In fact, if you look closely, the specific direction of your entire life as been influenced by factors completely outside your control and the responses you provided to those influences were outside your control, since you did what you "thought" was necessary, even though now, you kick yourself for not doing otherwise.
Have you noticed the repetitive nature of your life? Have you taken note of your repeat performances? The cyclical nature of the rise and fall of your brief, but highly precious, moments of "happiness"? The chaos and order constantly inherent to all your relationships? The repetitive nature of all your addictions? The rise and fall of your numerous sufferings? The absolute ignorance wrapped up in your delusional dreams of "success"?
"It is only when the ego himself comes to the conclusion, from personal investigation into his own personal experience, that his every single action has been based on some prior happening over which he has had no control, that he is finally compelled to surrender his sense of personal doership, that no one is the doer of any action, neither himself nor the ‘other’, that all that happens at any moment, through any body-mind organism is brought about by the Primal Energy functioning through each body-mind-organism, according to God’s will or the Cosmic Law." Balsekar, Ramesh S. (2012-06-21). Confusion No More: For the Spiritual Seeker (Kindle Locations 88-92). Watkins Publishing. Kindle Edition.You have never been in control of anything and even your delusion of being in control is beyond your control. But belief in making free-will choices was necessary to weave a social tapestry with institutions based entirely on your deeply inherent experience of guilt, based on choices you made or failed to make... correctly. And now you are stuck with it. Without the endemic acceptance of guilt, civilization could never have unfolded as it has and your fear of not meeting the standards has been the chief factor of the post-modern capitalistic system of enslavement and the construction of the post-modern world.
You will die, deeply enmeshed in existential guilt that you didn't do enough to be the best you could be, in a culture that demands you experience guilt, because you could never do enough to be the best that you could be, because what that culture only desires is for you to experience guilt and, hence, you have achieved what the culture requires as a means of cultural control.
Artwork by Mark Ryden - "Saint Barbie"